It was your birthday yesterday. I'm sorry that I didn't make your party, but you were at the front of my mind. It's been six months since you died and I'm not really sure things are getting easier.
One minute you were here. The next, you were gone.
Ironically, we are both atheists, so I know that you'd be disappointed for me for talking to you like this. The truth is, since you've been gone, I've often hoped that we were both wrong and that you're there. Somewhere. Somehow.
In your absence, I've tried hard to carry on the fight. The greatest thing you ever taught me was to be uncomfortable watching the struggle of others; to be compassionate, to be angry when necessary, and to not be guilty for failing to act. Putting aside the fact you were a Green (I'm sure just to piss me off), you'd be happy to know that the fight goes on, but that it's harder on my own.
The moment that I heard you were gone was the moment that everything changed. It's been a tough 6 months, mate. We've lost two more since you, and I've struggled to keep my head above water. People have always looked to me to be positive in the face of tragedy; to be strong and to be a leader. Keeping that act up has been the hardest. It feels like I've been crying for months, in the unbearably quiet times, and alone.
I've been sadder than I thought humanly possible. It was only once I was at the absolute bottom, devoid of any answer, that I learned the most important lesson. No single moment, in and of itself, is unendurable. What happened to you was unfair and what followed broke my heart into more pieces than I knew it was made of.
Most recently, I had a friend who died because he was sad. We worked so hard to try and make people happy; happiness is an inalienable truth. It bothers me to my core that someone could feel so sad that they are left no other option and sitting with his Mum today, I know that it is something that I could never do.
I suppose that all I can do it learn, and heal, and grow. Try to let what is unfair teach us.
People are valuable and it's true that some are more valuable than others. As those that are left here get older, it becomes more important to let people know that you care. When you find someone or something worthwhile, you can't let it go without a fight. Life is precious. And short.
There is nothing more important than being kind.
Like DFW said- "everything I ever let go has claw marks in it".
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. In some way, it make things seem a little easier. I feel incredibly bad that I didn't go to your party, but suffice to say that most people are dealing with you not being here better than I am. I'd be lying if I didn't say that there were times that I wished it was me (and I know how mad you would be for me saying that), but with your spirit in tow, the fight goes on.
You were one of the good guys, in a time that people are seldom thoughtful and seldom kind. I miss you every day.
